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I am having the absolute hardest time deciding what I want for my future.  The basic question is: go to grad school or do not.  It seems like it should be a simple decision: go to grad school.  There are just so many more factors to this decision that are making it hard for me.

I have always wanted to be a mom.  Since I was about 3, it was what my plan was for the future.  Be a mom, raise kids, and be happy.  Growing up, that is all I wanted to be, even through college.  I changed my mind about a million times regarding the major I wanted and finally settled on history.  I would absolutely love to work in a museum of sorts sharing history with the world, but I also feel like I would love to be a librarian.  To be a librarian, I need to get a masters.

I want to have kids right now and Justin wants to wait a little longer.  I know that he is right about waiting a little longer.

If I do not go to grad school, our plan would be to start having children in 2-3 years.  If I do go to grad school, we would likely wait 4-5 years.

If I go, we could have more money long term, have the potential to have more children.  If I don’t go, money would be tighter and we wouldn’t have as many kids most likely as I want to have.

If I do not go, there is a chance that I wouldn’t have to work as much but if I go, I wouldn’t want to waste my masters.

If I do go, I add ~$23,000 to my student loan debt.

Every one (mostly) I know is telling me to get my masters.  They tell me to even if they don’t know what the decision is.  I agree that this is the most logical decision, but every time I think more about it, my heart hurts.  I am reminded of the years I would have to wait to hold my child in my arms.  I know 5 years is nothing, but I just am unable to imagine waiting that long.

I feel like God is telling me to go for it, to further my education.  But I am just so scared that it is the wrong decision.

When people are stupid, it makes them hard to love.  God calls us to love every person because He does.  Boy is that hard to do though!

One thing in my life that I would like to work on more is treating people with the respect that they deserve from me.  I believe that everyone deserves respect no matter who they are and what kind of lifestyle they lead.

There are so many things that I would like to say, but the internet reaches so many people that I might get fired

Anyways, tonight I get to have some great fun with my bestest!

Well I didn’t die.  Thank you Jesus!

I am amazed how much I took my arm for granted.  I will have full use of it soon, but it is so weird how great of a loss one surgery does to the muscles in your shoulder!  I just hope that after all of my therapy is done, the pain will all be gone too.

During my Vicodin filled days, I have been keeping my brain moving with Sudoku!  Unfortunately they are all difficult to read since I had to use my left hand.  I am practically ambidextrous now!

I have had so many people taking wonderful care of me!  I so greatly appreciate how much people helped me.

Also, many of you were worried about how well Justin would take care of me.  I was pleasantly surprised how amazing Justin was!  Despite teasing me about dying and having the abilities of a 5 year old, he has been so great.  I love him so much and am so blessed to have him.  I have had a great look towards our future during this time and have seen how great of a father he will be.

I feel like I should update my blog seeing as I have this goal of updating it often.  It’s not like I am too busy to do so, I just forget to do it

On Wednesday I am having shoulder surgery.  Not a huge deal, just fixing some things that are wrong with it.  Besides getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I have never had surgery before, and I am a bit terrified.  They aren’t even cutting me open, but I think my problem is that I watch too many doctor shows so I have seen the incredibly unlikely scenarios happen all too often.  After the surgery I have to be monitored for 24 hours to make sure I don’t have a funny reaction to the anesthesia.  Justin can’t be at home the whole time, so he wants to set up a webcam.  Sounds like him doesn’t it?

In other news… still no job :-/  I fortunately have many smaller jobs that keep the bills paid.  I am very grateful to God for this because I could have nothing.  I just didn’t picture life after college to be the way that it is turning out to be.

The great thing about not having a “real” job is that it doesn’t really matter overall.  I have a great life!  I am married to someone that I love very much no matter how much we argue about the right way to do things!  I have a loving family and great friends.  Plus I have God, who provides for me and never lets me go.

Sappy, I know… but what if this is my last post?

If it is… Dad gets my car

I went to a funeral at my church on Monday for the first time ever.  It was about my 15th funeral, but I had never been to one here.

Until Monday, I had been scared to go to one at a place that had been so full of life for me.  I don’t think that in high school I would have been able to go there for a funeral.

You see, when I got confirmed at church, my mom said that I had to choose one thing to go to at church, and I had to go weekly.  Starting in 10th grade, I began developing my own faith instead of the one that I had been told to have.  I grew to know Jesus as my personal savior and friend.  But I also had some hard times during my high school years.  These years consisted of doubt, confusion, hatred, sadness, happiness, love, I could go on and on.  Coming to church became the best part of my week, my favorite place to be and it held the most important people in my life.  I could not have handled this place including death of a loved one.

Having gone to so many funerals in my life, I had experienced them as a great passage to Heaven as well as a horrible exit from this earth.  I knew that I could feel gladness at a funeral as well as anger.  At the time when this church meant so much to my life and was one of the reasons that I have made it to 23, a funeral would not have meshed with this temple.

At the end of the day, I have realized that I have grown incredibly.  I was able to go to accept sadness and death at a place I never wanted to have to.

It’s a God thing.

I really enjoyed the church sermon today. We are focusing on questions to ask during Lent at our church. (You can read all about them here.)  This week was focusing on the truths of God, and how important it is to understand the correct truths.

Pastor Nadasdy was preaching in Genesis, which is always exciting for me because I always get something out of his sermons.  Today that was especially true.  Although the entire sermon was interesting and caused me to think about things a bit deeper, there was one truth that stood out.

Pastor Nadasdy said that one of the crucial truths about God is that He loves the world (as stated in John 3.16-”For God so loved the world…”)  I had always said or read that passage and brushed it off as a ‘duh’ kind of sentence.  Of course He loves the world!  Otherwise He wouldn’t have sent Jesus to save us!  But God doesn’t just love the world… He loves those people that we don’t.  He loves those who murder, who swear, who just rub you the wrong way, and those who you think are too different from you to care about.

That alone was amazing to me, and then Pastor said “So should the church love the world.”  OH WOW!!!  It is amazing to me how the world could change if the church demonstrated that love to God’s people.  What would it be like if the church welcomed in homosexual people, people of different faiths, those who have shown hate against the church!  I am not saying that the church has to agree with everyone’s actions or lifestyles, but everyone is a child of God no matter what and they deserve to be shown the love that we would show a member of our church.

The world could be such a wonderful place if the church could show that love.  So many more people would see God for what He has done for us, for who He is, and for the friend He wants to be without being blinded by problems with the ‘church’.

Hopefully we can become more like God everyday.  I know I am going to start trying harder!

As I was facebook stalking just now, I came across a great word of encouragement:

The will of God will never take you where the grace of God won’t protect you.

Thanks.